seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
