Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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