Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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