I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
