sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
