Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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