Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
