Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
