I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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