she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
