Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
