I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
