Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
