i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
