i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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