OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
