my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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