I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
