I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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