My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No subtext here. People are naked.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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