how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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