you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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