If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
