he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I am one with the molecules
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
