what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
