she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
