the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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