ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
