I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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