So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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