I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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