Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
