Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
