so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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