Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
