god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize