i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I need to calm my uterus...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize