Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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