I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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