Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize