Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
