He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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