I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
