Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize