I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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