he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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