even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
