1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
