i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
