so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
