you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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