also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
