Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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