never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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