Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
