Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
