Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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