so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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