i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
