meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there was a trapeze. enough said
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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