i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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