Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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